A while back, fellow horror writer and Necronomicon-investigator Dan Clore received the following e-mail:
I TOO HAVE WITNESSED THE HORRIFYING AND VAST POWERS OF THE NECRONOMICON EXMORTUS, OR LOOSELY TRANSLATED, THE BOOK OF THE DEAD. FRIENDS OF MINE HAVE TAKEN PART IN A DARK RITUAL THAT INVOLVED A DEMONIC BONFIRE, CRUCIFIXION, AND A HOST OF OTHER UNHOLY ACTIVITIES. I HAVE SEEN THE BOOK'S POWER IN THE FORM OF A MUMMY RESURRECTION, AND LET ME TELL YOU IT IS EASIER TO RAISE THAN TO CONTROL. THE MUMMY BROKE AWAY FROM THE HEAD WICCA'S POWER AND RAMPAGED THROUGH THE WOODS. WE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO STOP IT BY USING A DECODED INCANTATION FROM THE BIBLE. IT WAS DEUTERONOMY 24:12 THAT SENT THE BEAST BACK TO ITS DARK SLUMBER. A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN ORIGINAL COPY OF THE BOOK, COMPLETE WITH EXTREMELY DETAILED DRAWINGS. IF YOU WOULD LIKE A COPY TOO BAD, AS HUMAN FLESH IS DIFFICULT TO PHOTOCOPY. THE DARK POWERS CAUSE ALL ELECTRONICS IN ABOUT FIFTY YARDS TO SHORT CIRCUIT AND BECOME USELESS. HE KEEPS IT IN A SHACK IN HIS WOODS. MAY THE DARK FORCES NEVER HARM YOU, AND THE SANDS OF TIME FOREVER RUN SLOW.
A mutual friend, Steven Harris, attempted to reconstruct these events in his imagination. Here's what he came up with:
Cast:
HEAD WICCAN - A man in his early 30s that has completely misunderstood the point and message behind wicca, but calls himself Head Wiccan because it bestows some kind of authority.with a special appearance by MOSES.
( Within a forest clearing, four young men stand around a demonic bonfire. Each of them is wearing unusually dark clothing. The Head Wiccan, himself, has sewn in a few mystical diagrams that seem to mostly follow a pentagram design.)
HEAD WICCAN: Ok, what is next on our list of debauchery and evil?
CHARLIE: Let's see. (pulls out a list and begins to check things off) We did the whole mockery of the crucifixion thing. The drinking of blood wine.
CARL: Ooooo, that was so evil.
HEAD WICCAN: Indeed it was. Perhaps it's time for the real reason I brought you out into the woods with me.
PAUL: You're not going to start taking your clothes off again, are you?
HEAD WICCAN: No. (pause) I was lonely and confused that night. I thought we agreed not to bring that up again.
PAUL: I just think you've got some real issues to deal with, Joe. Ever since you stopped taking your medicine, you've been...
HEAD WICCAN: My name isn't Joe! It's Head Wiccan! You are always to address me as Head Wiccan when we are on our Satanic Pilgrimages. You know that!
CHARLIE: Hey guys, chill out. We aren't supposed to be fighting among ourselves.
CARL: Yeah. We are supposed to be doing evil stuff. Not wasting time by arguing.
HEAD WICCAN: Excellent point, Carl.
CARL: I thought my Satanic Pilgrimage name was "Lord Shilon"?
HEAD WICCAN: Yeah yeah, whatever. Look, the reason I brought you all out here was to show you this. (pulls out from under his makeshift cloak a book bound in human flesh with the title Necronomicon Ex Mortus written in gold leaf)
CHARLIE: Sweet Elvis! It's the Necronomicon!
CARL: Whoa! It's evil incarnate in book form!
PAUL: I always thought it was a hoax!
HEAD WICCAN: That's because you foolishly missed last week's Satanic Pilgrimage when we watched the Evil Dead movies, Paul.
PAUL: Actually, I formed that opinion from reading this enormously informative and entertaining book, The Necronomicon Files by Daniel Harms and John Wisdom Gonce III. (he pulls out the book from a backpack he has brought with him)
HEAD WICCAN: That book is blasphemy! (grabs the Nightshade Press release from out of Paul's hands and throws the book into the demonic bonfire. With a WHOOSH! the fire turns bright blue and reaches into the sky. A hideous laugh fills the night. Then, suddenly, every thing turns to silence as the bonfire returns to normal. The four men look at each other and then Head Wiccan reasserts his authority.) Ahem! As I was saying, that book is blasphemy and will not be tolerated in our group. I'm tempted to excommunicate you, Paul. But I'll forgive you since your interest in evil delights me.
CARL: Can I look at the Necronomicon?
HEAD WICCAN: Hell no! I paid a couple hundred bucks for this thing on eBay. You think I'm just going to hand it over to just anyone?
CHARLIE: So what are we going to do with it?
HEAD WICCAN: Glad you asked. While I was bidding on this lovely occult text of pure evil, I also bought an authentic Egyptian mummy!
CARL: Too cool!
HEAD WICCAN: Indeed! Luckily, the state of financial support for American museums is so poor, that I was easily able to outbid the Smithsonian with my VISA platinum card. But enough chatting! Carl, Charlie! Fetch me the mummy from my car.
(Both Carl and Charlie run out of the clearing and head in the general direction of Head Wiccan's green stationwagon.)
HEAD WICCAN: Paul, my friend, tonight we shall begin our reign of terror.
PAUL: Can I see the Necronomicon for a second?
HEAD WICCAN: No. The powers of the Necronomicon are too dangerous to allow just anyone to open the book and skim through the pages.
PAUL: You did and you seem to still be alive.
HEAD WICCAN: That's because I'm a Head Wiccan. The secret rules of my order force me to keep this book away from you. It's nothing personal, Paul.
(Carl and Charlie drag into the clearing two large burlap sacks.)
CHARLIE: We weren't sure which one of these contained the mummy, so we brought both of them.
VOICE FROM ONE OF THE BAGS: Hey! What the hell is going on out there? Let me out! You can't buy and sell human beings! I'm a World Fantasy Award winner, you bastards!
HEAD WICCAN: Oh don't worry about that sack. It's just famed horror writer Brian McNaughton. I bought him from eBay too. Amazing what you can find when you just look in the right places. Just throw him in the bushes over there. I'll pick him up later.
PAUL: But he's a World Fantasy Award winner, Head Wiccan.
HEAD WICCAN: Your point?
PAUL: I don't know. That's got to be worth something, doesn't it?
HEAD WICCAN: Judging from the bid I won him with, I don't think so.
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: (from inside the bag) I'll grant three wishes to the one who releases me!
CARL: Hey! We could get three wishes!
HEAD WICCAN: It's a trick, Carl. Early this week he promised to make me attractive to women if I let him out of the bag. All he did was take a look at me, told me to forget it, and crawled back into the bag. I don't think he really wants to be released. At least not until after April 15th, for some odd reason.
(Carl throws the Brian McNaughton bag into the bushes to the sounds of screams, naughty words and an obscure comment about Briar Rabbit coming from it)
HEAD WICCAN: Now for the mummy!
(Carl and Charlie opens the bad to reveal a desiccated corpse rapped in long strips of cloth. "Property of Fox Television" is stamped on the mummy's side.)
CHARLIE: Wow! This is going to be spooky!
HEAD WICCAN: Silence! I am now going to resurrect the mummy and make it come alive. (opens the Necronomicon) Gthan Lathi Modus Operandi!!
(A clap of thunder as an 8' tall completely black faceless man appears)
DARK ONE: You rang?
HEAD WICCAN: Errr, sorry. I must have used the wrong chant.
DARK ONE: Sorry? Just like that? You summon me from beyond the Seven Suns of Kalnor just to say you are sorry? I've got things to do, you know! I'm already late for a ritual on L'gy'hx. Do you think it's easy for me to just go hopping about the material plane changing my shape all the time? Huh? DO YOU?!! Well, it's no picnic, I can tell you that. Each and every bloody avatar of mine has to have his or her on way of doing things. "Has to always fit in with the cultural milieu." What kind of mindless gibbering idiot god would institute such a moronic rule?
PAUL: Is that a rhetorical question?
DARK ONE: Of course it's rhetorical! Didn't you guys read the Necronomicon? (looks at the faces of stunned silence) You have got to be kidding. Damn it! That stupid Arab and his stupid book. I haven't had a moment of peace since 730 AD. It states clearly on the fifth page that Azathoth is the... (a beeper at the Dark One's side goes off) Argh! Now someone is summoning my Bloated Woman avatar! (sighs) Look kids, I just don't have the time for this. Just scratch out that chant you just spoke out loud and I'll give you a present.
CARL: What kind of present?
DARK ONE: How about a World Fantasy Award winner?
HEAD WICCAN: We've already got one.
DARK ONE: Damn it! Why does everybody already own one of those guys?
CHARLIE: eBay.
DARK ONE: Ahh, that makes sense. Anyhow, call me during my non-peak hours. Late morning is usually best. Ciao! (The Dark One fades away into nothingness.)
CARL: That was so cool!
PAUL: I'm just wondering how a faceless man was able to speak in the first place.
HEAD WICCAN: It's not important! Let's try this again! N'uth Bala Ia Tuluth, Peasle & Sons!
MUMMY: (moans) Mhrooow? Mgrawwwwww!!!!! (Without warning (well actually I guess you could count the moaning as being a warning of some sort) the mummy sits up with surprising energy and rips the arm off Carl.)
CARL: AIEEEE!!! I'm a bleeder! I'm a bleeder! I'm.... (Carl collapses to the ground)
CHARLIE: Oh my God! It's killed Carl! You bastards!
PAUL: Quick, Joe! Use the Necronomicon to control it!
HEAD WICCAN: It's "Head Wiccan"!! And the Necronomicon doesn't have any spells for controlling this monster from Ancient Egypt! I'll have to rely on my own special powers to handle this situation.
PAUL: And those powers would be?! (looks around for Head Wiccan only to catch a glimpse of his departing figure from a distance) Hey!
(Then a figure suddenly enters the clearing bearing in front of him an enormous Elder Sign.)
JAMES AMBUEHL: Ah ha! It took me thirty years to do it, but I've finally tracked you down! Oh, I admit it was clever to live during the reign of Ramses the Great and then die centuries before my birth. It was the last place I expected to find you. I had foolishly thought that you would have incarnated as a contemporary, but I won't be so easy to fool again.
MUMMY: Rooow?
JAMES AMBUEHL: Don't play the innocent with me, Sokar!
PAUL: Sokar?
JAMES AMBUEHL: Oh, and now you will play the motley fool in this charade? You all know that this is Sokar, the Demon Scribe of Ancient Memphis! I've been following all of you ever since you picked up his mummified remains at Ye Olde Curiousite Shoppe on west 4th Street.
PAUL: Actually, I think we got him from eBay.
JAMES AMBUEHL: EBay?! Then this is not Sokar but some other mummy. Now there's a funny coincidence. It explains the complete lack of security around here. Usually the Sokar cult has a few dogs and other mundane measures. Ok, well then, I apologize. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
MUMMY: MROOOOOORW!!!!!!!!!! (the mummy rips the arms off of James Ambuehl)
JAMES AMBUEHL: Ouch! Now THAT stings. (sighs and collapses)
MUMMY: ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! (The mummy runs into the woods and begins to rampage)
CHARLIE: The horror! The horror of it all!
PAUL: We are doomed!!!
(Abraham's Bosom [heavenly] music fills the air as a white-bearded figure carrying a staff appears from the gloom.)
MOSES: The book. The answer lies within the book.
CHARLIE: It's Moses! Just like in that animated movie, The Prince of Egypt but much older and not as attractive.
MOSES: The evil which has.... Hey! What was that supposed to mean? "Not as attractive"? (shakes his fist) Why I ought to....!
PAUL: What about the book, oh lovely-to-look-at Moses?
MOSES: Now this kid I like! Ummm, oh yes. (clears throat) The evil which has found a new life in this world due to your ignorant and careless ways can only be stopped by the Holy Words of Moses which are contained in this book. (Moses hands Paul a copy of the Bible)
CHARLIE: The Bible? You mean it's the Word of God.
MOSES: No, I meant the Word of Moses.
CHARLIE: But God supposedly wrote the Bible.
MOSES: No, he didn't write it, he inspired it.
CHARLIE: But...
MOSES: It isn't important! I was trying to convey a clue, you moron! The Holy Words of Moses is a clue as to where the answer for your problem can be found.
PAUL: There isn't a Book of Moses in the Bible, though.
MOSES: It's a clue! Not a freaking roadmap! Don't they teach you kids anything in school? The first five books of the Bible have traditionally been assigned to Moses, that's me, as being the author. Thus when I say the answer is in the Holy Words of Moses, I mean it can be found in the first five books of the Bible.
PAUL: Actually, the first five books of the Bible were not written by one man, but by many succeeding generations of men. We can identify several different traditions in....
MOSES: Argh! It's in Deuteronomy 24:12-13. Sheesh! Kids these days.
CHARLIE: "If he is a poor man, you shall not sleep in the mantle he gives as a pledge, but shall return it to him at sunset that he himself may sleep in it." What the hell does that have to do with any of this?
MOSES: (slaps his hand across his face and mumbles) Count to 10. Remember your high blood pressure. (clears his throat once more and speaks in a controlled tone) It's a code.
PAUL: A code? What do you mean it's in code?
MOSES: I mean it's in code!! You have to figure it out.
CHARLIE: We are doomed!
MOSES: Oh all right! Check out Exodus 22: 25.
CHARLIE: "If you take your neighbor's cloak as a pledge, you shall return it to him before sunset."
PAUL: That seems a little clearer than the first passage you gave us. Why didn't you just give us that one first?
MOSES: Because I apparently overestimated your abilities.
CHARLIE: But we don't have his cloak.
MOSES: Argh! THE SARCOPHAGUS!!! Bring him his sarcophagus!! What kind of idiots are you? Have you no ability to associate? The mummy is not a rich man, so he doesn't have to give you a pledge. Which means you unfairly took his clothing. Now, his "clothing" is symbolic of his sarcophagus because he is not only a rich man, but a dead one! Do you understand it now?
PAUL: So we have to find his sarcophagus.
MOSES: Bingo! Now I am out of here! I've got a muffin in Phoenix, Arizona to put my face on.
(Moses disappears in a flash of light)
PAUL: Quick! To Joe's stationwagon!
CHARLIE: You mean Head Wiccan's stationwagon.
PAUL: Whatever!
End Scene 1
(A green stationwagon. Within which is Head Wiccan desperately trying to find his keys)
HEAD WICCAN: I can't believe it! I can't believe it!
(a sharp tap on the windows)
PAUL: Hey Joe! We've figured out how to stop the mummy!
HEAD WICCAN: (rolls down window) What? How?
CHARLIE: We need the mummy's sarcophagus to send the beast back to it's dark slumber.
HEAD WICCAN: (looks around nervously) Where is the creature now?
PAUL: Last time I saw it, it was rampaging through the forest.
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: Greetings fellows!
HEAD WICCAN, PAUL, CHARLIE: Brian McNaughton!!
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: (brushes some pine needles off his shirt) Do you know you've got a dead kid, a dead writer of Mythos stories and a mummy running around out there? I'd check out Deuteronomy 24:12-13 if I were you. That nifty little passage saved my life in Warsaw back in '63.
CHARLIE: We already did that. We were trying to get a hold of the mummy's sarcophagus before you showed up.
HEAD WICCAN: Luckily, I've got the sarcophagus in the back of the car. I'll go get it.
(Head Wiccan opens the door and steps out. Then Charlie and him both go to the back of the car. Paul and Brian McNaughton stand around towards the front of the car, uncomfortable in each other's presence.)
PAUL: Ummm, so you were sold and bought on eBay, huh?
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: I don't like to talk about it. It's a travesty of justice. A violation of a human being's rights! It violates the U.S. Constitution to sell people! And the worst thing was that I had to pay for my own postage! It completely wiped out my entire savings. I'm a World Fantasy Award winner, and apart from getting my groceries free, I have absolutely zero privileges! Is that any way to live? I don't think so.
PAUL: I thought you didn't want to talk about it?
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: I said I didn't LIKE to talk about it. Makes me grumpy to talk about it. But I still want to. Why? Because if someone doesn't speak up about the.....
HEAD WICCAN: Ok, here is the sarcophagus! (Charlie and Head Wiccan drop the sarcophagus to the ground) Now the question is how do we get the mummy to come here?
PAUL: That's easy, we'll just use Brian McNaughton as bait. When the mummy comes after him, we'll all sneak up behind him and push the mummy into the sarcophagus.
CHARLIE: That sounds great!
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: And somehow strangely familiar.
PAUL: Let's get to work!
End Scene 2
(Same as last scene, but later. Brian McNaughton is standing behind the sarcophagus with a large sign on his chest reading "MUMMY LUVS ME" in Egyptian hieroglyphs. From out of the forest comes the rampaging mummy. He tears through the trees and bushes to face Brian McNaughton from a short distance.)
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: Hallo there!
MUMMY: (pauses as he reads the sign on Brian McNaughton's chest) GRAARRR! (With an anger rarely seen among the living, the undead creature forces its decaying limbs to cover the distance between Brian McNaughton and itself.)
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: Oh dear, here we go again.
(But before the mummy can tear the leather-hard skin of the infamous Brian McNaughton, the figures of three young men burst from the shadows and shove the limping monstrosity into the gaping maw of the sarcophagus. The lid slams down as the mummy ceases its resistance and succumbs to the eternal rest it has earned.)
HEAD WICCAN, PAUL, CHARLIE: Hooray!!
HEAD WICCAN: And as we promised, Brian, I hereby release you from your servitude!
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: Thank you. It's been..... an "experience." And one that I will hopefully not have to live through again.
PAUL: (grabs Brian McNaughton and gives him a hug as he fights back tears) Good-bye, Brian. I've learned to not accept authority blindly, but to struggle to find my own way. You've given me the gift of courage.
CHARLIE: (also grabs Brian McNaughton and gives him a hug as he fights back tears) Thank you, Brian McNaughton. Your actions have inspired me to change my ways and warn the world of the evil inherent in the Necronomicon Ex Mortus. I'm going to immediately send an e-mail to Dan Clore to tell him about our experience. I care what happens to others now. You've given me the gift of a heart.
HEAD WICCAN: (also grabs Brian McNaughton and gives him a hug but doesn't fight the tears. He lets them be shed in front of God and everyone) And I'll miss you most of all, Brian. I can see that the political means towards power is nothing more than a social self-illusion. The true seeker is one than gains mastery over themselves. I'm going to give up being a Head Wiccan and become a writer in the Fantasy/Horror genre where I feel I belong.
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: You realize that you guys are losers, right? And it's not Necronomicon Ex Mortus, it's Necronomicon Ex Mortuus. There are two "u"'s.
HEAD WICCAN: So where are you going to go now?
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: First I'll go recover James Ambuehl's body, boil it down into a few essential saltes, and then resurrect him. Say what you want about the man, he is the only person I know capable of taking on Sokar, the Demon Scribe of Ancient Memphis. Then I'll probably talk a few of my mercenary buddies from the '70s into helping me rescue D.E. Kesler from Antarctica. Poor guy forgot his eBay password and got sent into servitude such as myself. After we get him out, I'm going after eBay itself. It won't be easy, but the revolution has to start somewhere.
CHARLIE: Is there anything we can do to help?
BRIAN MCNAUGHTON: Hell yes. How about driving me to the nearest airport and buying me a %&#%#$ ticket out of this @#$!%#$* backwater?
(The three young men stand shocked to hear such outrageous language from Brian McNaughton until they break up laughing together as friends. Except for Brian himself who is waiting for someone to open the car door for him.)
Buy Brian McNaughton's books here.
Buy James Ambuehl's books here.
1999-2001 © Steven Marc Harris. All rights reserved.